I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
