Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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