I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
