I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
