Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
