I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
