Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
