I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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