vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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