it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Every concussion has its silver lining
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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