It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
