did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
