You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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