remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
