I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
