you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Randomize