Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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