...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
