and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize