just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
