I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
