not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
