in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
how does that bad decision feel?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
