If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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