I feel great
I just peed on a car
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
