Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize