he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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