I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
