Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
