i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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