I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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