btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
