my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
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