im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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