i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
