One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
