just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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