gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
