im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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