so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
