I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
