i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
