you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
