so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
