On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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