If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
