I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
