The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
