WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize