If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
