His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
