I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
