Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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