Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
