I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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